Self-Defense & Violence Prevention Blog

news and commentary about security, self-defense, and topics like violent crime prevention and bullying

The Danger Of False Accusations

by Scott Hughes

I have written quite a few published articles on self-defense and violence prevention. (See: Self-Defense: End Victimization and Women’s Safety: Tools For A Self-Defense Strategy.) Most adamantly, I have condemned rape and sexual assault. Not only have I condemned the sexual assailants themselves, but also I expressed my sickening disgust with us, the people of society, for not doing more to prevent sexual victimization.

Indeed, we similarly need to prevent all victimization, but I see sexual victimization as generally the most disgusting and horrific type of victimization.

Nonetheless, we need to realize and respect how easily a false accusation can indirectly victimize a non-victimizer.

We all already know this. For example, we know that a false accusation from a women about sexual crimes can essentially destroy a man’s life, and we know this happens often. We know the power of unfounded rumors, and false accusations are worse than rumors.

I think it’s possible that a false accusation can be worse than sexual victimization. For example, I think it’s possible that it could be worse to be accused of sexual assault than to be assaulted.

I think a lot of people, men especially, fear activism against sexual victimization for that reason, and rightfully so. People, women especially, fear sexual victimization. Also though, people, men especially, fear false accusations of sexual victimization.

Rape is a terrible thing, but so are false accusations. Both of those problems plague our society.

A false accusation of such magnitude as rape can turn an otherwise stable life upside down.

The point is that people, men especially, rightfully fear being falsely accused of sexual victimization.

That rightful fear hinders the active fight against sexual victimization. Our society is plagued by preventable victimization. We have the resources to prevent these terrible victimizations, including not only rape and sexual assault, but also murder, theft, and such. There’s an assortment of reasons why the people of society fail to prevent these disgusting crimes. These reasons do include simply laziness and distractedness, among many other causes. Nonetheless, activists oven overlook the major hindrance caused by the justified fear of false accusations.

When activists, who actively oppose sexual victimization, try to recruit the help and cooperation of others and society as a whole, these activists often fail to understand the hesitance of others and society. The rightful fear of false accusations motivates this hesitation.

We all want to prevent victimization, whether in the form of false accusations or sexual assault, or any other form of victimization. We need to recruit others to this cause and create empowered organizations based on voluntary solidarity to defend ourselves from victimization and rectify past victimizations (such as suing or fining a vandal for the cost of the damages the vandal caused).

Thus, we need to work in a way that protects people from both false accusations and sexual victimization. For example, we must respect the burden of proof and treat an accused sexual criminal as innocent until proven guilty. We must do that not simply for the sake of the accused person, buy also for the sake of victims and potential victims of sexual crimes, because if we make enemies of our peers by treating accused victimizers as guilty, thus making innocent people who may potentially be falsely accused one day fearful, then we will bicker and battle with each other, creating stagnation in our activism, and thus allowing sexual crime and false accusations to still reign. In contrast, if we treat people as both socially and legally innocent until proven guilty, then we can work together to prevent victimization and imprison proven victimizers.

In the same way we need to jail sexual victimizers or otherwise hold them criminally liable, we must also try to prevent the damage of false accusations by jailing false accusers or otherwise holding them criminally liable, but, still similarly, only if their accusations are proven false. Even if we suspect someone has made a false accusation, we must treat them innocent until proven guilty for the same reason we must treat someone who has allegedly committed assault as innocent until proven guilty.

If we go to war with each other without proof and don’t treat people as innocent until proven guilty, then we will waste our resources and effort while sexual victimization and false accusations still plague our society. In contrast, we need to work together to come up with solutions that both prevent sexual victimization and the damages caused by false accusations.

For the most part, the problem isn’t legal. In most modern jurisdictions, rape and sexual assault are already illegal. Similarly, in most modern jurisdictions, filing false police reports and perjury are already illegal. Legally speaking, the main obstacles are the lack of enforcement of current laws and the threat of not upholding the innocent until proven guilty standard.

For the most part, the problem is social. It’s private activists and non-governmental organizations who fail to work in such a way that prevents both sexual victimization and false accusations. It’s socially that we treat people as if they’re guilty before they’ve been proven so.

Additionally, once the victimization has taken place–whether it’s a sex crime or a false accusation–the damage has already been done. Granted, we need to jail victimizers–both false accusers and sexual criminals–to prevent them from continuing their victimizing behavior, and we need to rehabilitate them. Only the use of prevention can stop the problem. To stop the problem, we must keep potential victims out of dangerous situations and reduce the threat of victimization. Sure we need to utilize physical self-defense and the legal system, but once a person is attacked we’ve essentially already failed.

The onus is on activists, non-governmental organizations, and private individuals. Let’s work together to prevent victimization, and namely put an end to false accusations and sexual crime.

About The Author: Scott Hughes runs this blog.

By | December 17th, 2006 | SHOW COMMENTS (28)

About

I am the creator of this website, which I use to post about self-defense and violence prevention. I have two children who I love so much. I want them to be proud of me, and I hope what I do here contributes to that. Please let me know what you think about my posts by leaving a comment below. I throw my opinions around pretty openly here, but I am totally open to opposing viewpoints and a productive discussion. So please post a comment. And follow me on Twitter: @scottmhughes

28 Responses

  1. Albert says

    False accusations by women make me glad that I’m gay. I could never rape a woman because they have no hold over me. Women are liars and I don’t find liars sexy. Also, these days, women are promiscuous, so it’s a huge risk to have physical contact with them. Most of them are filthy disease ridden skanks, and I simply refuse to soil myself.

  2. James Simmons says

    I grew up with an abusive mother and survived years of abuse and fear until I ran away from home at age 14.

    My now ex-girlfriend gave false statements to the police after I called 911 on her for the third time, and claimed I beat her on a regular basis. The truth of the matter is she was the abuser with violent physical outburst where I had no other option but to call the police to restore the peace or have some feeling of security at our home. Her false statements to police on the last incident showed just how simple it is for women use the existing domestic violence laws to exact revenge or retaliate against the male partner who trys to expose their violent nature. Even though the D.A. declined to prosecute due to lack of evidence I have still been labeled an abuser by the mere posting of the arrest on the police website. Due to ethics compliance in my industry I had to notify each of my client as to the liability exposure that the arrest itself creates. After three months of working with my attorney, $4,000 in expenses, living in fear in my own home of making her mad and she file a second charge which would get me 10 years. I’ve lost 80% of my business clients. I could have lost my visitation rights to my own son , and I still have the arrest on my record for two years before I can have it removed. My arrest only embolden her to become more aggressive both emotionally and physically. She refused to sign me off the lease. Threatened Common-Law marriage suits to take my property. With the help of my best friend I moved all my stuff out and left no forwarding address. She tracked me to a local bar & grill texting me from across the room. I went to the D.A. after the charges were declined seeking to get a restraining order. They told me the threat was three months ago and I was not in “immediate danger.” I went to the police department to get a protective order. That would have to be “reviewed” by supervisor and then no guarantee of approval. I was able to file a complaint for harassment so I at least was able to document her stalking me. All of this after being beaten in the face and chest in front of witnesses at the bar & grill and I did not lay one finger on her. Then to be arrested in my own living room after she went to kick in the glass patio door and I called 911 for assistance. I no longer feel as if I have any protection under the law and as far as our public servant, I would not even call the fire department if the house caught fire.

    js
    texas

  3. Perry says

    Hey! It’s me again! YOU KNOW THE “RAPIST”! I’m actually innocent as the new wind driven snow! But, I wouldn’t expect, with what I’ve been through to date, for any AMERICANS OUT THERE TO BELIEVE ME BECAUSE ACTUALLY IN THIS COUNTRY, IF YOU HAVEN’T HEARD, I’M GUILTY UNTIL I CAN PROVE MY INNOCENCE! And, you know, I don’t know if I will be able to because I don’t really have much MONEY! I’d like to apologize for my misspellings above – something happened in my narrative & I actually put the above portion on this blog before proof reading it – I didn’t get the chance! First, let me say I also apologize for my “French” – I was born on the wrong side of the tracks & seem to have developed a bit, yes a bit, of a “potty mouth”! O.K.! crucify me! I’m sure the legal system here in my hometown is most likely going to in an upcoming trial, or at least attempt to!

    O.K.! This is what these people above need to hear from the horses mouth; then, I’ll try & finish my narrative of an “Innocent Man” & you think it’s a coincidence that I was put in a cell at my local jail that had a copy of John Grisham’s “Innocent Man” in there & I read it cover to cover & even took notes & wrote my lawyer & dreamed of getting out of jail long enough to try & contact the “innocence project”. They’re attempting to reform the laws through legislation – they won’t help me – or others in my situation – I don’t think! WILL THEY? My brother-in-law is from Ada, Ok! He actually knew Ron Williamson! What good does that do me? No good at all! Get on the internet & do a little research – there’s another old boy over there in Ada that was falsely accused of rape & did time before the old girl fested up! It didn’t really happen! But, what happened to him really happened! I don’t think they did anything to the girl – if so, not much – READ IT! It’s disgusting! It happens every day – all the time! It’s easy to do! Check the laws! they protect the so called victim – which in cases as mine she’e the actual perpetrator – &, I’m the so called perpetrator when in actuality, I’m the victim! And, nobody really cares because I never thought it could happen, let alone to me, but it did! &, it’s not over by any means! I could spend the rest of my life in a prison cell innocent!

    Now! Listen to this, especially the girls above & I’m sure you are all “good girls”!, I would let the biggest black inmate named “Bubba” rape me several times over & over if I could only go back to square one & have my life & property back!!!!! And, I haven’t even had my “so called day in court” yet! Try Me! I’m as serious as the worse heart attack you could EVER image! You have no idea! YOU HAVE NO IDEA – NO IDEA – NO IDEA – NO IDEA!!!!! WHAT IT’S LIKE TO SIT IN A JAIL CELL FOR DOING NOTHING EXCEPT TRYING TO HELP AN OLD GIRL JUST GET IN OUT OF THE RAIN!!!!! Until you do, I wouldn’t even expect you to even try to imagine it! Let alone offer your opinion of it! Get my drift! The one I got lying through her teeth sit down at my moma’s table & she gave grace before we fed her when she had nowhere else to go! She went as far as to hold hands with friends of mine at a local club where I know the owner & pray for his poor health & when it came to me or her, she threw me to the wolves & never thought twice! Do you really believe that there aren’t people, women, in this world that won’t – COME MEET MINE!

    Talk about something you’ve experienced! And, leave the real talk to the ones that have gone through, or in my case are going through, an experience such as this! YOU HAVE NO CLUE! NO CLUE! UNTIL YOU’VE BEEN THROUGH IT! I’ve never been raped! I’ve never raped! In fact, I’ve never gone anywhere that I was not invited first! I treat love making as “love making”! I really don’t know what sex is even about & I don’t want to know! It’s a very special thing to me & it always will be! Except now! I can never experience “love making” ever again! I’ve had it robbed from me along with, my reputation, my character, my life, my property, my name, everything! Try that on for size! You won’t like it! I assure you of that!

    Back to the narrative, or the truth, I’m booked into the County Adult Detention Center with no bail bond set on a Friday morning. My piece of paper, the only thing I own now, says CHARGE – RAPE! I get fed at around 7:30pm & I call my mother, the only person I really have, she’s 73 years old with back problems & looking at a third back surgery coming up soon. She doesn’t drive & I’ve been her caretaker for the past several years! She can’t believe it & I try to calm her down & tell her what really happened – nothing! “Mom! She just left mad & said she was going to the Salvation Army Shelter – I don’t know what she’s told them!” “Nothing happened! I swear on your father’s grave with a bible in between!” Mother, “what are we going to do?” “I don’t know!” Call the public defender I had for my burglary & see if he’ll come & talk to me! I Call back two more times with additional instructions to a christian woman that has never gotten a traffic ticket! Then, I’m “locked down” because I’m being held in “protective custody” (PC) – I don’t even know what it means – I do know it’s Friday & nobody does anything in this town on Fridays – I use to be an architect in the offices & they close down early if you are anybody here! I get back out at noon & I call back to mom’s house. Mom is all excited! She came to the door & wanted her work clothes – said she was called in to work – she lied! She tells my mother she’s sorry that nothing happened, she shouldn’t have lied, she’s going to have the charges dropped, your son didn’t rape me! She hugs my mother crying & she leaves! My mother tells me that she said she was going to go and have the charge(s) dropped!

    Guess what! She can’t recant now & tell the truth because the state takes over! If she does, they will arrest her for “falsifing a police report” – a felony & the real perpetrator will go to jail & be prosecuted & the real victim – me – will go free! Hey! The law doesn’t work that way! SUPRISE! I’m screwed for real! We, mom & I, don’t know any of this – we think she will go & tell the authorities the truth! Still to date – we don’t even know if she tried to go & tell the truth – they won’t tell you anything! I have my mom call her work to try to talk with her & see if she has done it yet – went & told the truth! Mom calls at about 4pm & her work says she’s off today & she wasn’t called into work as she told my mother! As far as we know, she’s still employed there as I write this!

    The old public defender comes at around, or slightly after, 5pm to the jail at my mother’s request & has me pulled out into the halway to talk with me! He asks me if I’m really in for “rape” & I tell him that is what my paper says! I ask him if he can get appointed as my public defender & he says he’s not sure! I ask him why I do not have a bond set & he says he’s not sure! I ask him what he thinks it will be when they do decide to arraign me on the following Thursday as my paper says & he replies $7500.00, or possibly $10,000.00, & that I will ahve to come up with 10%, or $750.00, or $1000.00 which ever the case! I told him that I thought that I could possiblity come up with that much I just wasn’t sure how without selling something! He tells me is going to go up front & make some telephone calls & he’ll come back if he can get ahold of anybody, if not, it will probably be Monday before he can talk with anybody! I sit in jail until Monday only being able to talk with my mother after breakfast, lunch, & dinner! I begin running up a large amount of collect calls to her not actually knowing that I am; but, what else can a person do! I’m asking to call relatives & friends & try to get commitments to get me out once I can get a bond set! Have you ever tried to get anything done in a “protective custody pod in a county jail – it’s almost impossible! And, nobody wants to hear from your mother begging for help for her son that has just been charged with “rape” even though she’s telling them that he’s innocent & his girlfriend even showed up at her house & told her so! Don’t forget this! At any time through this narrative – don’t forget this! YOUR GUILTY UNTIL YOU PROVE YOURSELF INNOCENT! IT DOESN’T MATTER IF SHE CAME TO YOUR MOTHER’S & TOLD THE TRUTH EVEN – “YOUR GUILTY UNTIL YOU PROVE YOURSELF INNOCENT!” That’s how the law works in sex crimes – no matter what the truth is – that’s the way it works! Believe it or not!

    O.K.! I spend the weekend in jail & Monday rolls around – nothings happened by Monday! After lunch we’re allowed to use the phones for a short time, if you can get on one, I start calling bondsman because I’ve educated myself to how “the system” works by talking with other inmates. I try an old bondsman that got me out when the burglars got me put in jail prior. I ask them if they can get a bond set for me & I’m willing to pay extra if so! I talk with a bondsman that sounds good & he assures me that he’ll try his best to get me out! He recommends an attorney; so, I tell my mother to call the attorney & she does.

    Hey! I’ll finish this later if there’s any interest because I must get some rest. I’ve been up all night writing a letter to an inmate that I met while in the jail & he has no one & their doing him bad as well & I’ve offered to help him if possible because he has no one on the outside & I’m out, at least, for the time being! Also, I’ve been researching the law for him as well as for myself because if we don’t help one another there is little hope for those who have little, or no, money in this legal system. Lawyers want $175.00 to $200.00 per hour & it’s virtually impossible to get help – public defenders are “overloaded” & do not prepare for trials very much – typically they’re “deal makers” whether your innocent or not! They scare you into accepting a “plea bargin” by telling you past horror stories about someone who pasted up a 10 year deal to go to prison in order to go to trail, even if your innocent, & risk a 40 year prison sentence! I would have never believed it until I started living this nightmare recently! If I don’t get back to you soon & finish this – you will have missed a very interesting experience that I’m currently living! BELIEVE IT OR NOT! IT IS THE TRUTH! I don’t lie, cheat, or steal! And, I hope to someday wake up from this nightmare I’ve been chosen to experience! But, I really don’t have alot of faith anymore & what faith I do still retain is dwindling very reapidly as has my assets!

  4. Perry says

    Boy! I’ll make this as short as possible – if that is possible! I’m currently a victim of a lie told to the police & detectives as well as the prosecuting attorney here in my county & believe you me – I’m experiencing a nightmare that I never thought was possible! But, I’m a too good hearted person that is extremely nieve & believed until recently that we lived in a “perfect world” I guess!

    I met a younger girl in a bar after my house was burglarized & the local police & detectives said nothing would be done about it unless I could find eyewitnesses, find the stolen property, or get the culprits to tell on one another. So, I proceeded to hang out in what I termed “the seedy under belly of society” & investigate my burglary. In doing so I talked with the prosecuting attorney & told him that someone was going to jail for this – would it me or them. In chasing the suspects I recieved three felonies that were bogus & it was eventually reduced to one misdemeaner through a plea bargain that I did not want to take because I was innocent. Instead of risk being wrongfully convicted, I took the advise of a public defender & was put on one year probation & started paying a fine for the misdemeaner. By the way, I found one item in a local pawn shop that was pawned by one of my suspects & I still have a court order for it to be returned & still do not have the item to date because the pawn broker refuses to give it up! One of the suspects treatened to burn my house down, or have her boyfriend kill me, if I continued pursuing her as one of my burglars. Nothing much happened to her to date!

    One girl when back to jail, or prison, for a year & was back on the street in a little over two months, another girl was placed on a six month review, and the guy was never even questioned per the burglary.

    Anyway, lets go back to the girl I most recently met in the club & fell in love with at first sight! She was living with a black drug dealer & had four children in DHS & didn’t tell me these things until later. After having a good old time with her that evening through the next morning until the club closed at 5am. She followed me outside & told me didn’t want to go back to the guy she was living with & she had no where else to go. I told her that I was the caretaker of my elderly mother & I was going there to spend the rest of the morning & rest.

    To make a long story as short as possible, she spent the next nine days living with me between my motorhome & my mothers house. My mother & me took her in & helped her as much as we could – she had nothing & would not go back to her ex-boyfriend. With the help of my mother, I clothed her, fed her, sheltered her, and we had the beginnings of a romance made in heaven. I even found her a job at a local restaurant & I took her back & forth to work & adjusted my schedule around hers.

    We made love until wee hours of the morning & she let me know that her children were taken away from her due to their father which turned out to be lies upon lies! She wanted to drink every night & frequent clubs & asked me to take her. She justified it by telling me that she had been raising children locked up in a house, or apartment, most of her life & that I had always been single & been able to do as I pleased & just please let her do a little partying until she got it out of her system in a few weeks & she would be fine & ready to plan a family – we would all live together in my big victorian house that I owned but wasn’t using at the time.

    Since I had never been married before & I had never had any children, I thought this would be great in my older age to have a family & provide mentorship to her boys that no one wanted according to her. So, we went out most every night after she polished off a pint, or so, of cheap vodka on top of beer after beer. Then she would drink eight+ shots of wild turkey 101 on top of beer almost every night at one of the local clubs as we both danced, sang karaoke, & conversed with others in the clubs. I drink very little & really can’t stand the taste of alcoholic beverages; however, I love to sang karaoke & I typically nurse a beer for one to two hours & the bartenders usually hate me for it. On top of that, I take V.A. prescription medications & my doctors have advised me to not drink anymore than I have explained to them that I drink if I’m out in the club singing.

    I bought her dresses, tights, shoes, & high heels & she acted like no one had ever bought her anything before. She was like “a kid in a candy store”! I bought her boys sports caps, toys, & clothes when she went to visit them in DHS. She was a beautiful strawberry blond – natural curly hair, tall, slim, with a great looking body & she reminded my very much of Nicole Kidman the actress – only prettier! My mother even thought so as well.

    Nine days later she walked out of the motorhome into a rain storm & went straight back to her ex-boyfriend! She had wanted to begin arguing each night, then she would grow somewhat physical & threaten to fight & each time I told her that I didn’t live like that & that I had never raised my hand to a women in my life, & that I would leave the motorhome & go to my mother’s & she could stay there & I would return the next morning after she had sobered up. She would never let me leave, she would start crying, then we would end up staying together.

    Almost a month went by – just short by about three days & I had left a voice message on her telephone to call me if her boyfriend beat her up again as she had told me that he had done more than once before. She called my mother & told her that she was alright; but that she was not happy. I was travelling by her boyfriend’s house as I went to work on a remodel a few days; otherwise, I tried to avoid the neighborhood where she was staying with him in order that they might work out their problems & remain together. One day I saw her head on the porch & I turned down the street & pulled up in front of the house & she came out to the vehicle & talked with me for a brief time. It was obvious that she had been crying all night, she had a busted lip, & she looked bad to say the least! I asked her what had happened & she told me that they had had a fight the night before & he had hit her in the mouth & she had broken one of his ribs! I asked her why she was living like this & why did she not leave immediately & she stated that she was planning upon moving as soon as possible. I offered to take her anywhere she wanted to go if she needed to leave at that time & if she didn’t feel safe. She declined my offer & I left. I placed another message on her voice mail within a few days & told her that she could call me, or my mother, if she was having problems, or if he beat her up again.

    Then, almost a month to the day from her leaving my motorhome, she called my mother’s house & I answered the telephone. She said that she was leaving him for good this time & she had no where to go with the exception of a friend’s house that smoked pot & she really didn’t want to go there! She asked me if I would come & get her & could she live with me as before & I told her that she had answered my prayers; but, that I needed to talk with her & that things were not going to be the same as before. She agreed & I left to go to pick her & her things up against the better judgement of my mother.

    I went to the ex-boyfriend’s house & I picked her up with her things – that wasn’t much & I went & got money & moved her back into my motorhome with me. One of her first responses to me was “your going to get laid tonight”. I told her this wasn’t about sex for me; instead, it was about the possiblity of a relationship & possible marrage & raising her boys that according to her no one else really wanted. And first, we had to get them back! We ended up back at the motorhome after she had to stop at a club to drink a little – which I really didn’t like! She lied to me & told me that one of her children was in a hospital & had me call her place of employment in order that she didn’t have to go in that night – I believed her! I was prepared to take her to see the child & after I called in for her she wouldn’t have anything to do with going to the hospital out of town.

    We went back to the motorhome & I talked with her about what I thought we should do in order to have the best chance of having a successful relationship & all she wanted to do was drink vodka & beer. She did talk for a while & I told her that I thought that we should be absent sexually for at least two years as the texts that I had studied & read at the end of my last relationship advised in order that we both lose the baggage from our previous relationships & could start over fresh. She said that she thought that she could go six months because of how much she enjoyed sex but that was probably the most time she would be able to go without sex. Then she started undressing & said we would start the absent thing later that I was going to get laid at that moment. We begin making love & it wasn’t ant good for me & I told her that it wasn’t & that I’d rather wait until later in the night before bedtime maybe & she seemed ok with it.

    We never made love again, or even kissed each other on the mouth, for the next five days & nights & I tested her periodically to see if see was going to be able to accomplish the things that I thought would be healthy for the two of us having a “good” relationship & shedding our prior relationship baggage!

    She wanted to go each & every night! She would drink at the motorhome prior to going out & once we were out & she seemed to retain her composure no matter how much she drank. I started seeing the fact that she was obviously an alcoholic & most likely had been one for a good while. I told her we weren’t going to purchase any alcohol on the following night & stay at home & not go out. She agreed; however, you could have cut the tension in the air with a knife! It was miserable & I went to bed early that evening in order to avoid her arguing & wanting to fight.

    The following Monday night I had an argument with her about the drinking & she started crying & agreed to go to AA & I told her I would go with her & hold her hand the next day off she had which was Monday. Monday came & she said she had to work & I asked her when she was off next – she said Wednesday – Wednesday came & she didn’t mention it or want to talk about it & I then decided it was time to end the relationship before she got me into trouble. Either a DWI or a fight with some guy trying to pick up on her which occured fairly frequently in the clubs she wanted to go to in the evenings.

    I told her that we were not going out anywhere the upcoming Thursday night & that we were not going to purchase any liquor & she hesitently agreed. Thursday came & she wanted to get liquor & stay at home; however, it didn’t take but a little drinking & she wanted to go out & I agreed only if we went to a club that would be practically empty for privacy. She agreed & we left & went to a club; but, the place was packed & a band was playing & a previous girlfriend of mine was there with a guy; so, i wanted to leave & she didn’t. She said come here & let me dance for you & she took me out on the dance floor that was empty, the band was on break, & she pulled a chair out onto the dance floor & had me sit in it as she commenced to doing one of the most provocative dances you havre ever seen to the song on the jukebox. Every guy in the place came up to me afterwards & slapped me on the back & said “you lucky son-of-a-bi_ch!” Next she talked the band into singing a song with them on the stage & recieved a “standing ovation” afterwards! I was actually very proud of her after that – I was extremely impressed with her talent!

    We left at approximately 10pm because she had agreed to only spend $15.00 & we would leave & go home & we had already spent $20.00; so, I told her it was time to go home – she didn’t really like it; but, she left with me.

    We get back to the motorhome & I told her that it was one of the best nights of my life; but, all things have to come to an end & I was not going to continue on the path of our past habits. She would have to stop her drinking & I was not interested in going to clubs every night & watching guys drool over her & that I felt that my ex-girlfriend in the club we just left probably would never talk to me again & that this was not the life that I wanted. She took it hard & started arguing & attempting to convince me that it wouldn’t be much longer & she would be willing to quit & I told her I didn’t believe that she could quit, that I felt that she was a severe alcoholic, that she had lost her job at Wal-Mart because she had come to work intoxicated (she didn’t know that I knew that), that she would lose her job that I found for her, that I didn’t think she would ever get her children back because of her past behavior patterns, & that I was done with it. I wanted out! I would let her remain there in the motor home that night & even a few additional nights if she needed more time to find another place to live; but, that I was going to my mother’s & if she left that I would deliver her things back to her ex-boyfriends front porch where I had picked them up! I told her that if she needed a ride anywhere I would take her & try to give her $100.00 to help her out! But, that I was tired of waking up each morning with no money for cigarette or gas, & that I was not going to get a DWI hauling her around to bars so that she could flirt with other guys & try to get them to buy her drinks. In short, I was done, over, “kaput”!

    She began ranting & raving & threatened to put her high heel up my a_s! She kicked out the screen door & threw a partial beer on the fllor in front of the door & I had to try & fix the door & cleanup the beer. She changed clothes three times – the second time putting on the clothes I had bought her & she had worn the previous time she had left in the rain storm – I asked her if she was going to wear the clothes I bought her back to her ex-boyfriends house a second time & she changed into her jeans socks tennis shoes, & a cotton T-shirt with a pocket that I had given her earlier that night when we had left my mother’s house after she had bathed there & ate.

    She procrastinated leaving as she changed clothes three times, cleaned every counter in the motorhome, & picked up her clothes from the floor where she usually threw them since I requested she do so before she left. She said that she was going to the Salvation Army shelter & I told her that I didn’t think she could get in there or the Community Shelter until in the morning & I told her that she didn’t need to go off walking around in the middle of the night intoxicated & if she did, I, or my mother, would not be able to get her out of jail if she was picked up by the police for public intoxication. She continued to get ready to leave & got her important papers together in a plastic bag & then walked out of the motorhome threatening me if I took her things anywhere especially back to her ex-boyfriends front porch as I told her I would do if she didn’t have anywhere else to take them.

    She walked out of the motorhome & I remained in the motorhome in order to avoid a scene outside. I listened for her to come back & she came back to get something out of the vehicle – probably her work apron. Then, I heard come back to the ice cooler outside & get a beer, or two, & I didn’t hear her outside anymore after that.

    I figured she was sitting outside drinking her beers on the front porches of one of my two houses, or across the alley under the overhang of the building behind one of my houses. I thought that she would most likely walk to the nearest convenience store which was closed & use the exterior pay telephones to call her ex-boyfriend as she had done on the previous occasion.

    I eventually fell asleep waiting for her to come back – if she was going to & I didn’t wake up until 1:45am & she had not returned. I got up & put my shoes on & went to the nearest bar thinking she might have went there & would probably be there with a couple or three guys buying her shots & beers as usual. However, the bar was closed early & no one was there. I thought about going to the nearby police station as I had done the previous time she had walked off; however, i was almost out of gas & I wouldn’t have been able to get her out of jail until morning if she had been picked up for public intoxication. So, I returned to my motorhome & put another movie in & fell aslepp watching it & hoping that she might return safely after the 2am clubs had closed.

    At 3am, someone was knocking on the door of my motorhome & I just knew it was most likely her returning. I asked “yeh!” & a female police officer asked if I was me & I responded by saying yes! She then asked if I would come outside & talk with them & I asked what was going on & she asked if I would just open the door & come outside & talk with them. So, I opened the door from the bed & told her that I had been sleeping & that I only had on my underware & she told me to close the door, put on some clothes, & then come outside & talk with them. I could see at least two other male police officers milling around outside in my yard. So, I closed the door put on my jeans & shoes & opened the door & asked what was going on & they asked if I would step out of the motorhome & talk with them. I told them ok; however, I asked them what this was about & what they wanted to talk with me about. She said “would you be willing to come down to the police station to to talk with us?” I said, “well I had been sleeping before they woke me up could I come down there in the morning between say 8 & 9am because I didn’t think I had enough gas in my vehicle to get there & back & I doubted if there was a gas station near enough to get gas before in the morning. She siad that they would rather have me come down now instead of in the morning & I told her that I guess that I could walk because it wasn’t that far away. She replied that they would give me a ride there & back if I would come now & ythat it would be better if I came now. I said ok let me get a jacket because it was cold outside. I got a jacket & went outside & asked the police officers if I was under arrest for anything & they said no. Next, I asked them if I was charged with anything; or, if there was an outstanding warrant on me. They said no. Again, I asked them what the matter was about & they said that they would tell me when I got to the police station.

    I got in the police car & went to the local police station with them & we went upstairs to the detectives offices & they told me that a detective was on his way there to interview me. I asked them about what & what does an interview mwan? They siad that the detective would tell me when he arrived. They asked me if I wanted a cup of coffee & asked me to be seated in an interview room. I bet I asked them 10 to 15 times what was going on, or what this was about, & they told me each time that the detective would let me know when he arrived & interviewed me. I sit down in a little room & drank the coffee & shortly opened the door that wasn’t locked & went out to see what was going on. The police officers asked me what I was doing & I told them that I was going to go on home if something didn’t happen soon, or at least someone told me what all of this was about. They assured me that the detective would be there any moment & I asked for another cup of coffee & they told me that I needed to go back into the room & I told them that was fine as ling as they didn’t close the door this time. They said that was ok & I watched them in the reflection of the full length galss curtainwall that acted as a mirror almost with the darkness outside. I could barely make out their images in the reflection on the glass & i could barely hear what soundewd lile the girlfriends voice in another room, or maybe an audio recording I thought; but, I could exactly understand what she was saying. Finally, after I finished my second cup of coffee, I got uo & walked out of the room & around the corner & told them that if the detective didn’t arrive soon that I preferred to go home & come back in the morning. They said that he had arrived & he came out of the room from which I thought that I had heard the girlfriend’s voice.

    The officier came to me & said lets go back in here into the room & I did & the a detective came right in & I stuck out my hand to greet him & introduce myself & he seemed obnotious & unfriendly – he didn’t even tell me his name. I started immediately asking him what this was about & he said that I would know in just a few minutes when he started interviewing me. I asked him at that time what “interview” meant & I told him that I wasn’t familiar with the term. He said, “well I’m going to ask you questions & you will answer.” Then, I asked him if he was going to question, or interrogate me & he replied that he was going to “interview” me & I said well I don’t understand & no one will tell me what this is about. He again stated that he was going to “interview” me & I, again, asked what that meant? Finally, after a standoff on his part of not telling me what the matter was about & really not being very descriptive as to what an “interview” meant. I believe taht I ask him if I was under arrest, or if any charges had been made? He replied “no” to each. I thought to myself, if my girlfriend had done something like called them & told them that I hit her, threatened to hit her, or threatened her in anyway, they would arrest me. So, I told the detective that if he was planning on questioning me, or interrogating me, about something that they were not going to tell me what it pertains to, I think that I have some rights as an American citizen; then, I ask him, “do I have rights?” He then asked me what I was asking for & I repeated myself & added that I felt that I had the right to have a counselor, or attorney, present. He then ask me if I was asking for an attorney & I once more stated, “if you are going to question me, or interrogate me, about something that your not willing to tell me what it is about; then, yes! I guess I’m asking for an attorney!” He then told me to stand up, face the wall, & put my hands behind my back – probable cause rape.”

    I about shit my pants! I couldn’t believe it! The first thing I said was, “YOU GOT TO BE BULLSHITTING ME!!” Then, I said, “YOU’VE GOT TO BE JOKING – RIGHT?” He never said another word to me! Next, I said, “IF SOMEONE ID SAYING THAT I RAPED THEM; LET’S TALK! I’LL TALK ABOUT ANYTHING YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT!” He never said another work to me! I threw my hands up as if surrendering, or tried to – I may have handcuffed at that time & said, “I WANT TO HAVE MY BODY EXAMINED BY A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL IMMEDIATELY – AND, IF YOUR NOT WILLING TO DO SO; I WANT THIS REQUEST DOCUMENTED!” No one would even reply to me or say anything to me! From that point on, I had no more rights, especially as an innocent person, I WAS GUILTY UNTIL I PROVE MY INNOCENCE; IF I’M ABLE TO!!!!! If you do not know this, & I didn’t & still don’t know for sure; the laws have appeared to have been changed without the knowledge of the average, or even above average, citizen knowing it! I didn’t know it; but, then, I’ve never been falsely accused of “rape” either!

    Here we go! And, I do try to refrain from this; however, a person must go to his “soapbox” when this sort of thing happens to you because I thought I lived in the “real world”, “America”, “Land of the Free & Home of the Brave” where justice prevails & God rules! It’s like “medicine incorporated”, “pharmacudicals incorporated”, “religion incorporated”, “whatever incorporated”! I forgot, just for an instant, that I actually live in a “capitalist society” – not a “democracy” – it’s a “republic”! Money talks & bullshit walks! If you ain’t got it, or if you can’t get it, or if your people don’t have it, or they’re not willing to get it, or not willing to give it – HELP!!!!! Your “screwed” & I mean literally “SCREWED” BIG TIME!!!!! And, if you don’t believe me, just try getting falsely accused of a ‘sexual crime” & get a taste of this!

    I’m then taken to the County Adult Detention Center & book in on a charge of “rape”! YES! RAPE! THEY’RE NOT BULLSHITTING AT ALL!

  5. Veronica says

    We are going through this VERY scenario right now and to be accused of something of this magnitude that you have not done is FAR worse.How do you get justice?How do you prove your innocence when you dont have the funds to fight?T he He said she said.Im angry.My family torn apart.My best friend dragged across the country.Looking at anywhere from 10-40 to Life.WHERE THE HELLS HIS JUSTICE. There are OFTEN more than one victim in some womens lies.I KNOW. AND how do you PROTECT HIM to hell with her.Shell never be held accountable for her lies

  6. Anthony Gutierrez says

    I need some help really really bad and Now! (w/all respect. I am an ex thief, liar, bully, who finally ran out of lies, trust, friends, faith, money, posessions, and a roof over my head. This was my sad and true situation brought on by my teachings from my parents since age 8, and my believing that somehow I was doing no harm to anyone.
    Until i ran away from home for good when I was about 16. I am not blaming my folks for making me bad 100%, but I would be lying if I didn’t witness theft, aggresive bullying, humiliation, physical battles, verbal aguing, suicide attemts and stupid resolutions or un fixed problems, and never a problem solved with truth or reason.
    My heart would rather be in the cold (i truly can say that now ) than be in a house of sheer madness and fear. I was never comfortable in my home. Hit the end of my rope in 1990 when I was finally arrested for dui in L.A. and finally paid the ultimate price for all my wreckless wandering, and self pity, blaming mom and dad for everything…(i was 30) L.A. County is the scariest place I’ve ever been and If anyone questions The police dept’s demeanor or attitude without seeing what they put up with and deal with daily, then You ought to be ashamed of yourselves because these gentlemen and ladies of the force, are the most prfessional, kind hearted, realistic, smart and brave humans that i have ever encountered besides our veterens of our armed forces. I have proof, experience and admiration, even tho One of them wrongfully tortured me for an hour my last hour of encarceration. (but I can see that he might of thought what wasn’t, either way, I stick to my opinion about those officers. if more jails were like that, there definetly would be less assholes out there… definitly!!!
    Any my sister has used mefor at least 29 years to physically hurt, 2 acused rapists, ALTHO THEY BEGGED FOR THEIR LIVES THEY DIDN’T DO IT AND i KNOW THE KIDS AND 2 OTHERS (FRIENDS OF MY SISTER BY THE WAY, DON’T BELIVE THE RAPE WAS “RAPE”. HER ex husband, (my great friend at one ti RISKED MY LIFE FIGHTING HIM AND HIS FRIENDS BECAUSE THE SSIS SAID HE WAS ABUSING HER. hE ALSO TRIED TO REASON WITH ME THAT IT WAS HER ALL ALONG THAT PROVOKED TROUBLE… i TRULY BELIVE HIM NOW, BUT HE IS DECEASED. ENOUGH THO THAT i APOLOGIZED TO HIS FATHER LAST YEAR WHEN I WAS CONVINCE4D THAT i WAS ACTUALLY THE TROUBLE MAKER ALL ALONG, CAUSE i BELIVED MY SISTER. me)5 YEARS AGO THE SIS AND MY MOM BOUGHT A HOUSE TOGETHER, WHEN THE SIS GOT A BOYFRIND (ANOTHER BUT EVEN CLOSER FRIEND OF MINE) SHE STILL CHARGED MY MOM A 1/3 OF THE RENT EVEN THO SHE HAD 2 TEENAGE DAUGHTERS. WHEN THEY FINALYY GOT MARRIED, mY SIS “ASKED MY MOM TO MOVE OUT AT AGE 62 OR 63. mY MOM DID AND WAS SO SAD , BUT NO ONE IN MY TWISTED FAMILY COULD SEE THAT. i VOLUNTEERED TO MOVE IN WITH HER TO CARE FOR HER. i KNEW I WOULD SOME DAY, I EVEN TOLD THE SIS A YEAR AGO BEFORE THAT, THAT io WAS GONNA BE THE ONE TO CARE FOR HER IN HER ELDER TWIGHLIGHT YEARS. tHE SIS LAUGHED LIKE i WOULD NEVER DO IT OR EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT IT. wHAT SHE DOSENT KNOW IS THA i LEARNED TO LOVE WHILE OUT THERE IN THE REAL WORLD. i LEARNED TO FORGIVE AND TO ADMIT WHEN I WAS WRONG AND TO NOT EXPECT FORGIVNESSIMEDIATLY OR EVEN AT ALL. TO SHOW tHAT I WAS SORRY FOR MY EVEIL DEEDS AND TRIED TO DO THE RIGHT THING FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, EVEN THO i KNOW i AM HUMAN AND HAVE MESSED UPA FEW TIMES AND i have TO ADMIT WHEN i AM WRONG BECUASE THERE IS NO OTHER WAY FOR4 ME. i WAS GIVEN A CHANCE TO CHANGE AND i TOOK IT (AFTER NOT TAKING IT AND PROMISING god I WOULD CHANGE SO MANY TIMES) mY MOTHER TRIED TO KILL HERSELF AFTERFEELING SO GONE AFTER LOSING HER FRIENDS, THE DOG, THE GRANDCHILDREN, AND THE SHITTY TREATMENT FROM HER OWN DAUGHTER, nOW YES MY MOM NEEDS HELP TO DO WHAT SHE DID, BUT IF YOU KNEW THE WAY SHE WAS BRAINWASHED MOST OF HER LIFE BY MY DAD, YOU MIGHT TRY TO UNDERSTAND THAT, SOME SE NO OTHER WAY OR FEEL THEY ARE HURTING OTHERS FROM THIS HORRIBLE ACTION OF EVIL. bUT mY DAD IS SMOOOTH AS SILK, GOOD LOOKING AND ALL MY LIFE I HAD TO HEAR HOW COOL HE IS AND HOW LUCKY I AM TO HAVE HIM. tHE TRUTH IS. hES AN IDIOT, A THEIF, A LIAR, A WIMP, A BULLY, BIG MOUTH, NO ACTION, AND SCREW HIS MOTHER, BROTHER, KIDS, WIFE, SO CALLED BEST FRIEND AT HIS FUNERAL, TOLD MY GRANDMOTHER AND UNCLE LIES ABOUT ME THAT KEPT THEM AWAY FROM ME TILL HER DEATH AND TILL NOW WITH HIM, HE LIED TO MY ANUT WHEN i NEED HELP, HE MADE MY MOM GET A DUI WHEN HE SWITCHED SEATS WHEN HE GOT PULLED OVER, HE LET ME LIVE IN THE BACKYARD FOR ABOUT 2 YEARS TOTAL, PUNISHED ME LIKE A PRISONER FOR STUPID SHIT LIKE, NOTLOOKING AT HIM RIGHT OR BEING 1 MINUTE LATE COMING HOME. NEVER ADMITTED WHEN HE WAS WRONG, AND DIDN’T EVER SAY ANYTHING ABOUT MY MOM’S BEING THROWN OUT OF HER OWN HOME. sINCE THE DAD IS LIKE THAT, THEN THEREST FOLLED. wHY. nO RULES OR DISIPLINE, NO TRUTH LOVE OR ANYTHING, RESPECT nothing, YET THE GET TOGETHER AND SIT AROUND TALKING ABOUT WHO KNOWS WHAT AND i AM BLAMED FOR HER BEING IN THE HOSPITAL IN FRONT OF DOCTORS AND MY NIECES, i AM A THIEF STEALING HER MONEY, i AM A DRUG ADDICT AND THE FAMILY GOES ALONG. aND FOR 5 YEARS OF CONSTANT BLAMING, LIES AND RUMOR TO MY FRIENDS IN PUBLIC FINALLY, HAS HALTED MY MUSIC CAREER, DEFENDING MYSELF, TRING TO GET FAM MEMBERS TO LISTEN TO ME, aND GET THIS, i HAVE NEVER GOT 1 OPPERTUNITY TO EVEN SAY MY SIDE BECAUSE SHE HIDES, RUNS, AND PUT A RESTRAINING ORDER ON ME FOR TRYING TO RETRIEND OWED MONY IN A RESPECTABLE MANNER. WHICH RUINED ANOITH CHRISTMAS, WASTED TIME DEFENDING, MY RECORD CO IS WONDERING WHAT THE, MY PLAYERS ARE CONFUSED, MY BROTHER AND OTHER SIS WONT TALK TO ME (EVEN THO ALL MY LIFE I HAVE HELPED THEM, GAVE THEM SOMETHING TO BE RESPECTED FOR, DID ANYTHING AND EVERYTHIN FOR THEM AND YES, I HAVE THE PPROOF AND WITNESSES FINALLY BECAUSE I WAITED AND TRIED TO TELL THEM ALL THIS WILL COME OUT 1 DAY. i WANTED THEM TO BE THE ONES TO TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT ALL THIS STUPIDITY. aND mY MOM HAS BEEN A WRECK NOT DOING ANYTHING TO STOP IT IN FEAR OF HGURTING MY SIS WHO THRU HER OUT, WHILE DESTROYING ME WHO WILL NEVER GIVE UP TRYING TO HELP MY MOM WITH ALL THESE FUCKED UP ISSUES. i TOLD MY MOM ALMOST EVERY SINGFL;E THING THAT WOULD HAPPEN IF THEY DIDNT DO ANYTHING TO EVEN AS MUCH AS COMMUNICATE WITH ME, EVEN TO CARE FOR HER. bUT WITH NO LAW, ETHICS OR DISCIPLINE, THEY’VE ALL BECAOME WHAT i TRIED TO THEM FROM ALL THEIR LIVES BY EXAMPLE VEN. stupid< callouse>>>>iF U R A LAWYER, aND YOU READ THIS, i WILL EASILY CONVINCE YOU THAT i AM TELLING THE TRUTH BUT THERE IS WAY MORE AND I HAVE DOCS, WITNESSES AND EVEIDENCE. i ONLY WANT BACK WHAT THEY TOOK FROM MY MOM AND MYSELF AND MY GRANDFATHER AND MY NIECES AND THEMSELVES, NOTHING MORE, i WILL SHARE WITH ALL WHATEVER IT IS i GET. aND i WILL GET SOMETHING FOR ALL THIS WASTE OF TIME WITH SO DAMN MANY……i HAVE PROOF, i STILL LOVE THEM ALL, BUT THEY NEED TO BE TAUGHT A LESSON FOR WHAT THEY’VE DONE AND R DOING, wHEN THET FINALLY PAY FOR THERE BULLSHIT, i WILLL NOT LAUGH, I WILL TRY TO SINCERELY HUG THEM, LOOK THEM IN THE EYES, AND TELL THEM i AM HERE FOR YOU ALL FOREVER, IF YOU HAVE LEARNED WHAT YOU DID WAS WRONG, YOU WILL COME TO ME, AND I WILL STAY HUMBLE AND SHARE MY HEART WITH YOU ALL, IF YOU DON’T i WILL ASSURE YOU THE DOOR WILL NEVER BE CLOSED FOR THEM ever> never>>.>>> pLEASE HELP, i WILL DO YOU FAVORS IN RETURN IF YOU LET ME. i HAVE MANY TRUSTED FRIENDS AND RESPECT FROM MANY, i NEVER INCLUDED THEM OR ASKED FOR THIER ASSITANCE, BUT HAVE ASKED FOR THEIR ADVICE WITHOUT TELLING THEM THE WHOLE UNBELIVEABLE STORY. bUT YES I AGREE, iT HURTS REALLY BAD AND IT IS not right, THEY AND ANYONE WHO LIES ENOUGHT TO CHANGE THEMINDS AND COURSE OF THE ONES WHO ARE DOING THIER BEST TO BE DECENT, NEED TO TO PAY HEAVILY, nOT BECAUSE I AM THE VICTUM, BECAUSE MY STAY AT la COUNTY WAS VERY ROUGH AND SCARY. bUT IT HELPED ME MORE THAN ANYTHING AND IT MADE ME REALIZE THAT i WAS HURTING PEOPLE FOR NOTHING AT ALL AND DIDNT EVEN ACKKNOWLEDGE THAT. i TRULY AM GRATEFUL FOR THE l>a> POLICE DEPT AND SYSTEM. tHEY SAVED MY LIFE AND i WILL REMMBER THAT AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

  7. barbara says

    wow where do I start!

    My situation is that I found out as a result of an argument with one of my sisters that my husband had sexually assaulted another of our sisters. On that same day I rang that sister to ask her what had happened, I needed to speak to her directly before I could confront my partner with these horrific allegations. She told me he had had sex with her! Needless to say I was devastated by this information.
    When I got to confront my partner later that same day he told me that he had inappropriately touched her on one occasion.
    He denied categorically that he had had “SEX WITH HER”.
    He was very ashamed and somewhat relieved that the burden of such a horrible secret was finally out in the open.
    For years he believed he had no right to defend himself because of what he HAD done.
    However I was left wondering who to believe! my sister [an adult, married woman by this stage in her life] or my partner of many years and father of my children.
    Over time my sister admitted to me that she had “Embellished the Truth” because she wanted him to suffer. She had also told him on the one occasion he tried to apologize to her, that she didn’t want an apology from him but that she wanted money instead!
    To this day she continues to lie about what happened to her, without any reguard for the impact this has had on myself, our children and the rest of our extended family.
    I know better than most what a terrible thing she must have experienced, I have tried to be understanding and compassionate of her situation given that I, also, have suffered from sexual & emotional abuse, but never did I ever feel the need to lie about what happened to me, or ask for money!
    I have endured the horror of this situation over the years because I have tried to understand both sides.
    My sister continues to add to her story for greater impact, she has punished me for staying with my husband. Somehow this makes me deserve her punishment too![in her mind]
    I am “just the wife” what else would I do other than back up his version, is what I am told by certain family members these days.
    Sadly the more she decides to lie about what happened to her “ÄBUSE” is the real winner.
    The saddest irony is that the serial perpetrator here has become my sister.
    She has taken no real responsibility for her pain, instead she justifies to herself her right to become the abuser.
    My husband and I choose not to be victims of her lying anymore, instead we continue to work on ourselves, to take responsibility for our lives in a much more conscious way. To continue to confront ourselves and each other in the hope of identifying those aspects that still require transformation from childhood hurts, so grave, that they have the power to continue to do harm long into adulthood to ourselves and to others.
    Surely this is the work at hand for ALL OF US.
    Otherwise this insidious cycle of abuse will never end.
    To my sister I would say this
    STOP BLAMING & STOP LYING, because the day you decide to take responsibility for your pain, hurt, anger and whatever else you still feel nearly 40 years after the event and turn it into something positive for yourself without hurting anyone else will be a great day for humanity indeed!
    Time to realise that you are not a defenceless teenager any more, and that you are now abusing many others yourself.
    How you can keep justifying this to yourself is beyond me.
    People make mistakes all the time, our humanity says so, to be denied the opportunity to express genuine regret for an obvious mistake is a danger to all that is good and worthwhile about our humanity.
    I will continue to hope you find your way to the truth, peace and forgiveness.

    Barbara.

  8. barbara says

    wow where do I start! My situation is that I found out as a result of an argument with one of my sisters that my husband had sexually assualted another of our sisters. On that same day I rang my sister to ask her what had happened, I needed to speak to her directly before I could confront my partner with these horrfic allegations. She told me he had had sex with her! Needless to say I was devestated by this information.
    When I got to contront my partner later that day he told me that he had inappropriatly touched her ón one occasion. He denied categorically that he had had “SEX WITH HER”.
    He was also very ashamed and relieved that the burden of such a horrible secret was finally out in the open.
    However I was left wondering who to believe! my sister [an adult, married woman by this stage in her life] or my partner of many years and father of my children.
    Over time my sister admitted to me that she had “Embellished the Truth” because she wanted him to suffer. She had also told him on the one occasion he tried to apologize to her, that she didn’t want an apology from him but that she wanted money instead!
    To this day she continues to lie about what happened to her, without any reguard for the impact this has had on myself, our children and the rest of our extended family.
    I know better than most what a terrible thing she must have experienced, I have tried to be understanding and compassionate of her situation given that I, also, have suffered from sexual & emotional abuse, but never did I ever feel the need to lie about what happened to me, or ask for money!
    I have endured the horror of this situation over the years because I have tried to understand both sides.
    My sister continues to add to her story for greater impact, she has punished me for staying with my husband. Somehow this makes me deseve her punishment too![in her mind]
    I am “just the wife” what else would I do other than back up his version, is what I am told by certain family members these days.
    Sadly the more she decides to lie about what happened to her “ÄBUSE” is the real winner.
    The saddest irony is that the serial perpitrator here has become my sister.
    She has taken no real responsibility for her pain, instead she justifys to herself her right to become the abuser.
    My husband and I choose not to be victims of her lying anymore, instead we continue to work on ourselves, to take responsibility for our lives in a much more conscious way. To continue to confront ourselves and each other in the hope of identifying those aspects that still require transformation from childhood hurts, so grave, that they have the power to continue to do harm long into adulthood to others.
    Surely this is the work at hand for ALL OF US.
    Otherwise this insidious cycle of abuse will never end.
    To my sister I would say this
    STOP BLAMBING & STOP LYING, because the day you decide to take responsibility for your pain, hurt, anger and whatever else you still feel nearly 40 years after the event and turn it into something positive for yourself without hurting anyone else will be a great day for humanity indeed!
    Time to realise that you are not a defenceless teenager any more, and that you are now abusing many others yourself.
    How you can keep justifying this to yourself is beyond me.
    People make mistakes all the time, our humanity says so, to be denied the opportunity to express genuine regret for an obvious mistake is a danger to all that is good and worthwhile about our humanity.
    I will continue to hope you find your way to the truth, peace and forgiveness as I have.

    Barbara.

  9. dozr says

    False Accusations = Emotional Rape

    So yes, I would say that false accusations are at the very least equal. The physical harm done in most rapes can be healed. While the emotional harm(rape or false accusation) can last a life time.

    The women(or men) that would make false accusations of rape should face the same punishment as a rapist. Not to mention the slander and libel.

  10. Cindy says

    Comment by Faith

    “Wow. I agree that false accusations are terrible. However, equating them to being the victim of sexual assault is just wrong.

    There is absolutely no comparision. There’s a big difference between being physically violated – possibly numerous times – and simply being the victim of false accusations.

    I can’t even believe anyone would dare say such a thing.”

    I can see how someone could dare to say such a thing. I am a 29 yr. old women and most women will LOVE to hate me after they hear what I have to say. I am going to write and tell you just how a false accusation can ruin people’s lives!

    Almost a year ago my husband went out with friends, YES he cheated on me. I will not defend my decision to stay with him after his relations outside of our marriage. I am educated, full of self-esteem and WAS and partially still am a strong believer in second chances. Back to the point. As soon as the “girl”, and I use that word stongly, realized that he probably wasn’t going to be calling in the morning she reported a rape. Being that the case is still open and in progress I can’t get into many details about it all but I can say this….my husband told me about cheating on me before he even knew she had reported that he raped her. He voluntarily handed over his clothes that he was wearing and made a statement. After making his statement a detective told him that she had changed her story several times, a claim backed up by her numerous statements and dealings with deputies and detectives. For EIGHT months we did not hear anything, we assumed they were not bringing forth charges, afterall it never happened and if you knew my husband you would know that he would never physically take something that wasn’t his or harm a fly, AGAIN, YES I KNOW he cheated on me. Exactly 8 months to the day we received a knock on the door, he was handcuffed and arrested in front of our four children. YES, eight months later. The trial is set to begin exactly one year to date of the accusation. For eight months noone believed this “girl”, the three detectives that worked on the case did not believe her. The one’s educated, trained and experienced in sex crimes did not believe her. It happened that one gung ho detective picked the case up 6 months later, did no further investigating, two months later copied and pasted a supplemental report together and presented it to a judge for a warrant. When I say copied and pasted I mean he took bits and pieces from everyone’s statements, the most damning, put them together and it made my husband look guilty as hell. The statements by everyone as a whole do not indicate guilt whatsoever. Bond was set at $75000. We had just lost our house to foreclosure, had a baby, lost two jobs, one definately lost because of these accusations whether the employer admits it or not. Forced to pull our children out of their schools and away from the only life they have ever known and to move to an unfamiliar neighboring town to be close to what little work we could find. Imagine your children’s lives already being turned upside down because of a false accusation and then having to explain to them (who know that cops take away bad people) why Daddy was being arrested and that Mommy may not beable to get him out – WORST day of my life, that night I had 3 children crying in my bed. Luckily I found a great attorney that night who offered to go to his first appearance for free. He was able to get the bond reduced to $50000. That may not seem significant but the judge who lowered the bond is also the judge who issued the bond, very rarely does that happen. The judge had had time to review the case file and had realized what was going on. Again, luckily I found a bondsman willing to bond him out without collateral – just the 10% fee of $5000. We did not have that kind of money, nor did my family so I had to call his father. Needless to say he sent me the money and we have not heard from him since. My mother has yet to talk to my husband and alot of our friends do not come around anymore, our neighborhood went into a frenzie…..so it goes… GUILTY until PROVEN innocent and even then I’m not sure it will be better because of ALL the injustices in our court system! We had to hire an attorney. $5000 down and another $10000 due payment in $1000 a month payments. A SAHM I had to get a night job. My husband goes to work at 3a and returns at 2p, I pick my daughter up from school at 2:15p and head out the door for work at 2:30p and don’t return till 11p long after everyone has gone to sleep, I see my oldest for a total of 1/2 hr in the morning and 15 mins. in the afternoon M-F then pull 8 hour shifts every weekend, I see my husband for 15 mins. only on the weekdays. The stress is inmeasurable, the thought that our whole lives turned upside down because of these false accusations is barely tolerable but add into that the fact that our lives are completely dependent on 12 strangers and our lawyer. That’s an aweful lot of trust to hand out to people we don’t know, justice will prevail right? Read John Grisham’s “The Innocent Man” and tell me yes, I dare you. We look into the eyes of our children everyday and wonder if they will have to grow up with out their Daddy, a great Daddy at that. In those eight months we worked on our relationship and I had forgiven him and we had moved on with our lives, slowly but surely putting them back together from the hardship caused from this false accusation. We were on the right path until that knock. The tax refund that was supposed to be used to get us further on the right track had to be used to obtain a lawyer. We have to depend on my sister-in-law to clothe and shoe our children and to pay my oldest daughters ever growing dental bill because ALL extra funds are being handed over to the lawyer. What kind of life is that. All the while it’s proven fact that this “girl” is living the life, out every single weekend and twice during the week roaming the town up to her old tricks, back in the same bar she met my husband the VERY next week, with pictures to prove it! And when the jury comes back with “Not guilty” will people really see it that way, will the neighbors stop shunning us, will our friends come back around, will he beable to get his job back, I DON’T THINK SO! If people do a public records search will they see he’s not guilty and let their children play with my children I DON’T THINK SO! Does this seem like the appropriate punishment for a husband that cheated on his wife, again, I DON’T THINK SO! It is my right and my right only to determine the punishment and over and over again that right is stripped from me. And as far as his father and my mother are concerned, they are acting the way they are becuase of the fact that he cheated on me and exposed our children to this “girl” and her false accusations…afterall if he hadn’t cheated in the first place this would have never happened right? Well, if I had just left the house 10 minutes earlier I wouldn’t have gotten into that car accident. This is something that should have been handled privately between a husband and a wife and maybe a counselor. Our life will forever be punished because of this false accusation whether it be from other people or the the damage it has done to us mentally who are unable to seek professional help due to no insurance or the ability to get government assistance because we are working. But for the supposed victim everything is right at arms length for her.

    The thing that disturbs me the most about it all is that once the jury discovers that she is lying they will hand down the “Not guilty” verdict….she’ll go on with her life unpunished. As the lawyer puts it she would basically have to admit to lying in order for any charges to be brought against her. Sure we could take this to civil court and try and sue the pants of off her but really what is the liklihood that we would win or reach a settlement and in all reality what will it accomplish, sure we might get the $20000 back that we have and will continue to pay for the next 10 months but really how does that make the situation right, how will that make people see and realize that he did not rape her. The only way I see that could happen is if she is prosecuted herself and I would gladly pay another $20000 to see that happen!

    I am a woman, and I do realize that there are real rapes occuring out there right now as we speak and I can’t even imagine the pain and bleakness that these women are feeling, but it does not need to be a competition nor does there need to be a comparison, both are heinous in their own right and should be treated accordingly and as of right now I don’t see that happening. And because of this “girl” my views on whether a woman has truly been raped or not will always be tainted and that is incredibley unfair to those who truly have suffered through a rape, another victimization from a false accusation.

    Take it as you will.

  11. Reenie says

    Being falsely accused is worse than being a victim. I know because I myself have been on both sides. I was sexually abuse as child for 3 yrs, and falsely accused of child abuse. Victims get all kinds of help and even free counseling but the falsely accused get nothing, in my case I can’t even sue because it involved a child. There are very few support groups out there for falsely accused and the ones that are out there are either for men or parents. I agree we have to do work on both sides.

  12. Sandy says

    To Julie, the post above me

    If you find that help your looking for let me know I sure can use it also!!!

    Unfortunately also, there is no where to turn when you are in the position. There is no help without costing lots of money and if people don’t have money, they go to jail I guess. Money buys your freedom even if you are innocent.

  13. Sandy says

    False accusations DO happen and is just as bad as being assaulted when it does happen. Take it from me, I have been victimized when I was younger but now I know someone who was accused and he is guilty in the eyes of the courts and systems. But we know it didn’t happen but there’s like nothing we can do because alot of fight takes money that we just don’t have. So what is a person to do? I read some others opinions on here and it takes a major toll on a person who has been falsely accused that noone knows unless they are in that position. It tears families apart, burdens them finanically, they are guilty in everyones eyes and brought down to a degree that they never thought was imaginable. People need to be aware of what it can cause, especially when its a family involved.

    Children can and will make up lies like this. Alot of people say, oh kids can never say such a lie. Yeah right. I’ve heard of it happening and seen it happen. A man sat 6 years in prison when years later the girl finally came out said she was mad at him and he didn’t do it. She didn’t get her way so she said that to get back. I think people should be more aware of this kind of stuff.

  14. Julie says

    Hello. My cousin ran away from home because she could not wear make up. She was into drugs and sex at only 14 years old. Once caught by the police, she said that her father forced her to perform oral sex. He is in for 75 years to life for a crime he never commited. FALSE accusations are REAL. Above is my website i am promoting to help my uncle receive a fair Trail. IN COURT, the jury admitted that because the girl looked so innocent, they had their mind set that she was innocent no matter what. PLEASE HELP.

  15. Candice says

    I don’t think anyone can actually comment- my best friend raped me and I’m in the process of pressing charges but it feels like I’m more the suspect than he is. It’s women making up false charges that make it hell for innocent men and sexually assaulted women- there is no in between

  16. Scott says

    Lisa,

    Thanks for your comments! I’m sorry to hear about the victimizations of you and your loved ones.

    Alejandra,

    When children make false accusations, file false police reports, or lie under oath, it’s a crime just the same as when adults do it. However, I do think it makes sense for the judicial system to go more lenient on children when they commit crimes, because there’s more of a chance that a child will grow up and learn better. Anyway, I doubt young children would often even think of using false accusations of sexual assault to hurt someone, because most children don’t understand the seriousness of the issue. In fact, many children still don’t know where babies come from.

    Thanks,
    Scott

  17. Alejandra says

    I would like to know your point when children make false accusations of being abused of a parent or anyone to only get back at them because of their dislike.

  18. Lisa says

    Scott, Sophie and Faith
    Scott:
    I agree with you 100% Scott as I as a woman have been sexually assaulted (Yes.. this deeply affected my life)
    It is a horrible memory I will have to live with forever.
    However my family has also been the VICTIM of False allegations and believe me we are paying for it. This has affected my husband, me, My Children and our entire world for over a year now. The person who told these stories knows she is lying but doesn’t care. Even if she were to admit to lying WE have to live with this for the rest of our lives! She goes on happily with hers and she is able to do this to someone else.
    I have known at least 2 people in my life time to have been victims of PROVEN false allegations.
    I also believe that you are right in the matter that this is very common.
    FAITH:
    These 2 are very comparable! Both are an invasion, BOTH are equally as wrong, AND BOTH destroy innocent people lives!!!
    SOPHIE:
    IN YOUR WORDS: The angle Im coming from is that a) it would be rare for a false accusation to achieve conviction and b) in a worst case scenario, the damage done to the man is approximately equivalent – not worse. My understanding is that if a conviction and long-term sentence result, the man may be abused in prison, lose part of his purposeful life and have problems rehabilitating to society.
    Can you honestly say that that is worse than what many women who are raped experience?
    MY WORDS: Have you ever been or known anyone in this position? Because being falsely accused goes way further than just a conviction. Like I said I have lived both worlds and I never ever want to live either of them again, but in both situations there is a VICTIM and a CRIMINAL both should be treated equally as both are so devastating. I Sophie am a woman and I live in a WOMAN’S WORLD!

  19. Jinn says

    Being victimized by a false accusation charge is WORSE than sexual assault. This is because the victim is innocent and is being abused by a feminist agenda and dirty prosecutors.

    The accusation by itself is enough to ruin a man’s reputation, cause him to lose his job, be ostracized by friends and family. Then it can get even worse if an innocent man is put in jail. Now we are talking about the man possibly being abused and raped in jail. And for what? So that man-hating feminist can laugh or that a prosecutor and further their careers.

    Women in rape cases get unfair additional legal protection, numerous legal service, and often community sympathy. Men accused of rape, often recieve no sympathy whatsoever.

    The American justice system is blatantly corrupt. You need MONEY and expensive lawyers just to have a chance to recieve a just trial.

    In rape cases, you are considered “GUILTY, until proven innocent” Even when the charges are dropped, many men live with the stigma for years. Prosecutors and feminist groups do not care.

    Women who are found to make false accusation chargers, should GO TO JAIL. The solution is blatantly obvious, but its being blocked by prosecutors, feminists, and those who are under delusional chivalry.

    False rape charges, make men easy “marks” for prosecutors. The U.S. has created a prison industry and needs a constant flow of fresh bodies to be feed into the system. Prosecutors look “tough on crime” and get female and feminist support via pushing rape conviction DESPITE the evidence.

    The amount of evidence needed to convict a man of rape, has become the “word” of the female victim. All that is needed is for the female to be able to tell her lie with conviction in front of a jury. The situation can be no more that “He said versus SHE said”, but if she cries enough and gives a good performance than the prosecution thinks they can get another conviction.

    Evidence of the extent of false accusation is being supressed by feminist groups and prosecutors. Somehow, we are all suppose to believe that “women never lie”. Here is an article to help people get a clue- http://www.glennsacks.com/research_shows_false.htm

    The “ugly truth” is that the false accusation rate could be as high as 40% to 50%. Women “surprise” do lie and lie a lot. Women will a lie at least as equally as men, because they are human beings.

    Sex in America’s christian society is very controversial. Feminist would like to extend female power to the point that they can “take a man down by word alone”. Various radical feminist see heterosexual sex, just the act itself, as male domination and rape.

    Unless something is done to maintain fairness in the American justice system, more innocent men will be left to rot in jail, so that a female can get revenge, “save face”, or abuse “her power”.

    Bottom line, women that have been found to make false accusation/perjury in rape cases need to serve 10 year jail sentences too.

  20. Sophie says

    Thanks.

  21. Scott says
  22. Sophie says

    Of course both scenarios are possible. (although grabbing someone’s buttocks barely registers on the scale of potential sexual assault – if there’s a woman in the workforce who hasn’t had that happen to her I’d be astonished).

    If the employer suspends Tom and forces him to resign without proving the offence beyond all reasonable doubt, then he is acting beyond his jurisdiction, and Tom has a case against him.

    You say false accusations are common. In my experience and research they’re not. Can you show studies to prove your statements?

    I still think you’re misusing the word ‘can be’ to describe a very small minority of cases. And I think that men who fear being falsely accused have bought into a myth, not reality.

    However, I don’t expect to change your mind. Your experiences and common sense are different to mine.

    Thanks Scott. Hopefully you will never need to face the reality of a woman’s world.

  23. Scott says

    Sophie,

    I don’t know where you get your statistics that life-impacting false accusations only happen rarely. In my experience, I’ve seen more false accusations, and thus sometimes more damage caused by false accusations than sexual victimization (i.e. sexual assault or rape).

    I think false accusations of sexual victimization are very common, and that they often have extremely damaging causes. Thus, I think, the fear of false accusations – like the fear of sexual victimization – is rightful.

    Regardless of its rightfulness, men generally do fear false accusations more than sexual victimization, because men are generally more likely to be victimized by a false accusation rather than a sexual crime. In contrast, women generally fear sexual victimization more than false accusations. (Granted, there are many exceptions. For example, a female teacher probably fears being accused of sexual assault by a student more than she fears being sexually assaulted by a student.)

    Even if your belief that’ the impact of a false accusation cannot ever be worse than that of sexual victimization’ is right, it doesn’t negate my overarching point. My point is that both can cause damages, and one group fears one more than the other while another group fears the other more. The prevalence of both is correlated. Therefore, only by working together to find ways to protect people from both false accusations and sexual victimization can we actually stop either.

    For example, men generally hesitate to support anti-sexual-crime organizations, because the men (rightfully, IMO) fear being falsely accused, and accordingly such men worry that anti-sexual-crime organizations will amplify the undue consequences of a false accusation on the man. (On the other hand, women generally hesitate to support anti-false-accusation organizations, because women fear sexual crime, and accordingly such women worry that anti-false-accusation organizations will amplify the undue consequences of sexual crime by doing such things as ‘putting the victim on trial’ or protecting sexual assailants and rapists.)

    That hesitation is one of the greatest hindrances to anti-sexual-victimization movements and organizations. The way to counter it is to create organizations that find ways to simultaneously protect people from sexual victimization and false accusations.

    So you see, as I’ve said, my overarching point is not dependent on whether or not false accusations can be worse than sexual victimization. Nonetheless, I’d like to make one more argument to support my contention that you disbelieve which is that [i]I think it’s possible that a false accusation can be worse than sexual victimization. For example, I think it’s possible that it could be worse to be accused of sexual assault than to be assaulted.[/i] I support it with an example which I believe proves that a false accusation can be worse than sexual victimization:

    Okay, take a hypothetical nice middle-aged man named Tom of modest means. He works in an office. There’s a hypothetical woman there named Sarah. Tom isn’t attracted or sexually interested in Sarah at all, and he hasn’t done anything that would imply the contrary.

    Scenario A: Tom goes into the office one day, and he feels fine. Suddenly, without being provoked, Sarah sexually assaults Tom by grabbing his butt. Tom feels uncomfortable. Maybe he tells his boss. Then, Tom goes back to work and lives the rest of his life.

    Scenario B: Tom goes into the office one day, and he feels fine. Without being provoked, Sarah tells the boss that Tom sexually assaulted her by grabbing her butt, and she files a complaint. The boss suspends Tom without pay, and later forces him to resign. Sarah’s friend Tim punches Tom in the face a few times. After medical expenses and losing his job, Tom gets evicted from his apartment. His ex-wife uses the entire incident to gain custody of their children.

    Surely, the above two scenarios are possible. Surely, scenario B is worse than A.

    Thanks Sophie, best of wishes.

  24. Sophie says

    Thank you for your reply.

    I did have a comment on my post about the probability of being raped in jail.
    And I agree that that is something that will destroy a man’s life.

    The angle I’m coming from is that a) it would be rare for a false accusation to achieve conviction and
    b) in a worst case scenario, the damage done to the man is approximately equivalent – not worse. My understanding is that if a conviction and long-term sentence result, the man may be abused in prison, lose part of his purposeful life and have problems rehabilitating to society.
    Can you honestly say that that is worse than what many women who are raped experience?

    c) if no conviction results, a man may be ostracised by his friends and family, and may be targeted for abuse. Again, I’ve been bullied, ostracised and raped in my life, and I know which of those three have the most serious long-term consequences.
    If he is raped or beaten up, the damage is equivalent, not worse.

    d) he can lose his job. If he has a criminal conviction, then yes. If he hasn’t and he loses his job, he probably has a case for discrimination against his employer. I work in a male-dominated industry. Regardless of any rape/accusations that might be known by any potential employer, at least half of them refuse to look at my applications because I’m female and they believe I can’t do the job.

    I can’t claim a great deal of experience with men who have been accused of rape – I know one who ‘outed’ himself by boasting to his friends. Some of them concluded from his description that he was a rapist, and avoided him thereafter (one of them told me, so I guess the word did spread).
    The majority of his friends cheered him on.

    I rather think where you’re coming from on that second point is the two-fold attack of being thought guilty (and treated as such) and the resulting stress.
    Again, if you consider that a sexual assault is for most victims the beginning of a long period of emotional stress during which few friends are supportive, or know how to react – can you still say that being accused is worse?
    Is the fear of accusation worse than the fear of being raped again by a victim who is disbelieved, or who hasn’t reported her experience?
    Is the likelihood of a woman being charged for a malicious accusation (which may have been true, not malicious) going to encourage anyone to report rape when it happens?

    If men truly understood the effects of rape, rather than dismissing it as ‘something horrifying’ or in the other extreme, as being ‘a rational and appropriate male behaviour’, then the dangers of false accusation for the male could increase (because of a greater likelihood of negative social response).
    Better, I think, to solve the dilemma of men being scared of false accusations and thus reluctant to be involved with fighting rape, would be a better understanding of how often false accusations do happen and what the real effects are. I’m tempted to think that you’re relying on a theory of what could happen, or what has happened in a small minority of cases.
    Most men who rape need not fear any retaliation at all, let alone those men who are innocent.

    So – in your last paragraph I reject the word ‘rightful’ before fear, and agree with your last sentence. Surely more progress would be made if it was understood that the fear of major life-effects was based on a minority of cases?

    I’ll update my blog post at some stage (not today) with links that support my angle, and again, if you disagree with what I’ve said above or think I’ve misunderstood anything – correct me here or at my blog.

    Thanks Scott.

  25. Scott says

    Sophie & Faith,

    People have been thrown in jail over false accusations. Incidentally, many are probably then raped in jail.

    More often, people who have been falsely accused of rape are often considered guilty by much of society. They can lose their job, their friends, etc.

    People’s lives have been ruined by false accusations. I think it’s absurd to say that a false accusation cannot cause more damage than sexual assault.

    Anyway, my point in the blog is that the rightful fear of false accusations makes many people hesitant to help actively put an end to rape and sexual assault. Thus, the most effective way to reduce and hopefully eliminate rape and sexual assault is by working together to simultaneously reduce false accusations and sexual victimization.

    Anyway, thanks for your comments!

  26. Faith says

    “There is absolutely no comparision.”

    Make that “comparison”.

  27. Faith says

    “I think its possible that a false accusation can be worse than sexual victimization. For example, I think its possible that it could be worse to be accused of sexual assault than to be assaulted.”

    Wow. I agree that false accusations are terrible. However, equating them to being the victim of sexual assault is just wrong.

    There is absolutely no comparision. There’s a big difference between being physically violated – possibly numerous times – and simply being the victim of false accusations.

    I can’t even believe anyone would dare say such a thing.

  28. Sophie says

    I think its possible that a false accusation can be worse than sexual victimization. For example, I think its possible that it could be worse to be accused of sexual assault than to be assaulted.

    This is not the first time I’ve seen this said – might I ask you to clarify further?
    What does a man accused of rape suffer that is worse than being raped?

    You say false accusations happen often. Have you any studies to back that statement?

    I’m going to open these questions on my own blog also.

    Thanks.

    Sophie

Leave a Reply to Cindy

(no http, so test.com not http://test.com)